Divorce is always a difficult process. But perhaps the most emotional aspect of parting ways with your spouse is determining who gets custody of the children. In the contentiousness of a divorce, it can be easy for emotions to run high and for both spouses to start trying to find a way to “win.” However, parents should not focus on “winning” child custody or “losing.” Instead, the priority for every parent should be on the best interests of their child.

Key Takeaways

• Child custody matters should not be approached as “winning” child custody or losing. The sole focus should be on the best interests of the child.
• New York courts apply the “best interests of the child” standard when determining custody matters, which considers a number of factors concerning the child’s welfare.
• Alternative dispute resolution methods such as mediation and the collaborative process can help eliminate the mentality of “winning” child custody and help ensure a tailored agreement is reached based on the needs of the family.

How Courts Determine Custody Matters

When parents cannot reach a decision regarding child custody, the court would decide the matter based on the “best interests of the child” standard. A judge would evaluate a number of factors to determine what is the most ideal custody arrangement. The judge may even talk with your child to get their opinion, if they are old enough. In any case, the ultimate goal of the court is to place the child in a situation that promotes the healthiest environment and allows them to have meaningful relationships with both parents.

Under New York law, the factors a court would consider when determining a child custody arrangement include the following:

• Which parent has been the child’s primary caregiver
• Each parent’s parenting skills and ability to care for the child’s needs
• The mental and physical health of each parent
• Any history of domestic violence
• Each parent’s work schedule
• The child’s relationship with siblings and other family members
• The child’s wishes
• Each parent’s ability to cooperate with the other parent
• A parent’s willingness to encourage the child to have a relationship with the other parent

It’s important to understand that badmouthing the other parent to your child or on social media can negatively impact your case. Since this type of conduct can harm a child’s self-esteem and damage their relationship with the other parent, courts take this behavior very seriously. Not only can disparate remarks lead to accusations of parental alienation but they can also destroy your credibility with the judge and result in reduced parenting time or loss of custody. In addition, the court can always notice the signs that a parent is trying to use the child against the other parent, so doing so can only create a losing situation.

Creating a Tailored Custody Agreement That Works for Your Family

Parents don’t need to let a judge decide their child custody arrangement. In fact, since parents know their child best, judges encourage them to work out these issues between themselves. Alternative dispute resolution methods such as mediation and the collaborative process can help parents keep the focus off “winning” child custody and ensure the resulting agreement is tailored to the unique needs of their family.

Using Mediation to Determine Custody Matters

In mediation, a neutral third party called a mediator guides the discussion and helps parents identify creative solutions that might not be available in the courtroom. It eliminates the “win-at-all-costs” mentality by encouraging collaboration and cooperation, minimizing stress, and prioritizing the child’s well-being above parental conflict. Mediation can also help reduce the costs that are associated with resolving custody matters in litigation and help parents reach a resolution much more quickly.

Taking the Collaborative Approach to Decide a Custody Arrangement

Similarly, the collaborative approach can shift from the mindset of “winning” child custody to the child’s welfare. Rather than focus on their dispute, parents can collaborate with a team of experts to find the best custody arrangement. This process uses a team of professionals that is assembled based on the specific issues in the case, and can include child custody experts, therapists, parenting coordinators, and others who can assist with identifying solutions.

Ultimately, navigating child custody matters successfully requires a fundamental shift in perspective: there is no “winning” child custody or losing. The only person who will “lose” in a custody situation is the parent who cannot focus on the needs of the child. If one parent wants sole custody just to punish the ex-spouse, then he or she will likely end up losing custody or having their parenting time reduced.

Contact an Experienced New York Child Custody Attorney

If you are facing a child custody matter, it’s essential to consult with a skilled family law attorney. At Duke Law Firm, P.C., our experienced child custody attorneys can help ensure your rights are protected and the best interests of your child are met. We invite you to call us at (585) 449-4987 or visit us online to schedule a consultation to learn how we can help.